Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Balin gave Annie a hug and a kiss. “I promise, we’ll be back soon, love.”

“You’d better be!” His golden haired love gave him a thump on the chest before heading back to join the clan.

“Well, this should be fun, eh?” Raysdotter said chipperly. She adjusted the clasps on her black studded leather armor.

“Just keep smiling and look confident.” Starshine muttered, waving at an adventurer she recognized in the crowd. “I’m going to be sick. There’re two Dukes here!”

“At least your face is hidden behind your visor, and if you throw up it will all just pool in your armor. Not all of us are so lucky!” Aishablue whined. “Gods damn it, Pete! You never said it would be a show!”

Balin chuckled. “It’s me brother. How could it be anythin’ but a spectacle?”

The ‘Grand Opening’ as his brother was calling it was being held in a secret space deep within the Army Barracks in Blackwall. They’d needed to get special passes to get in, before they were blindfolded, had their Abilities suppressed by a [Blank], then were led through twisting tunnels to where they now were – a cavernous black space where every wall was made of adamantine, and there wasn’t a single door to be seen.

For it's sheer size, it was still packed with people. There was the full Thirsty Goat family, including Kirk, who was looking relieved that he didn’t have to duck for once. Duke Schist was in attendance with a collection of city officials, all of whom were milling about making sure their paperwork was in order. And finally there were Duke Barnes and her armed guards, all of whom looked vaguely amused at the chaos.

Then there were the mages and [Engineers] from the army, who were constantly running to and fro, checking runes and defenses to ensure everything was in working order.

The center of the space was dominated by a thick stone wall that must’ve been freshly built. That was clearly where Pete was meant to activate his new Ability.

The only member of the party unaffected by the chaos surrounding them was Flowerpott, who was busy fussing over his deadly glass mantis golem, Manny.

“Pete’s opening the door in five minutes. Last roll call. Any changes?” Starshine asked.

Aishablue traced some sigils in the air and light flared to life over her head, then winked out. “My wand is working perfectly!”

Flowerpott finished sharpening Manny’s blade arms then went glass-eyed himself as he transferred his perception and control. Above, a dozen little glass dragonflies flitted about as Flowerpott used one of his newest Abilities, [Remote Control], to take full control of each, testing their functionality. “Nope,” he said as his eyes regained their spark.

Raysdotter swung her mace to and fro, then frowned. “I really should Specialize, but dammit, Pete’s got me thinkin’, y’know? I should wait until I have the perfect Milestones.”

“Early Specialization worked for me. A [Living Crystalmancer] and I only tossed three good Abilities into the pot.” Flowerpott smirked.

Raydotter stuck her tongue out at him.

Balin checked all his own equipment, not that his magically summoned golden plate was ever anything but perfect. As a [Shining Banneret] his job was on the front line, and it was vital that his sword never falter and his shield never break.

His brother, the inestimable Peter Roughtuff, sauntered over, hands comfortably wreathed behind his head. “Are you ready team?”

“Of course, Pete.”

Pete suddenly looked flabbergasted. “What? I thought you were Team Brightstar, and now you’re telling me you’re actually Ready Team? Where’d my mercenaries go??”

Raysdotter, Aishablue, and Starshine looked confused, but Flowerpott burst into laughter. Pete gave the gnome a big grin, and was given one in return.

“Some big names here today, Pete.” Balin said, gesturing around the room as he smiled and nodded. The two Dukes and their entourages were especially resplendent, in dark black and gold. That combination had been the clan colours of the Blackbeards since forever, and its rapidly propagating use amongst the nobility was tacit confirmation that the aforementioned clan had lost all power.

That, and it looked snappy.

“Uh huh, are you all ready?” Pete asked.

“Aye, we are.” Starshine nodded with a snappy fist to her chest. “You can count on us Lord Roughtuff.”

“Heh. Great. Anyways, I’ve been told by the army that we have tha go ahead, so everyone’s gonna clear out and watch in tha scryin’ room. This place has more bells and whistles than Copperpot’s lab!” ɌÀＮОβΕṤ

“What about you?” Balin asked with concern.

“Eh, I have ta stick around to use the Ability, so hopefully nothin’ comes rushin’ right out. Army’s right outside if we need ‘em though.”

Raysdotter immediately started checking her equipment again, and Aishablue looked wan at the thought.

“We’ll be fine. It’s a brand new dungeon.” Starshine shook her head. She reached out and patted Pete on the shoulder with a gauntleted hand. “We’ll come back with good news, promise.”

Pete smiled back, though his complexion was a bit wan.

A section of the outer wall rose silently and everyone began to file out with calls of ‘Barck’s Luck’ and ‘Gods be with ya!’. Soon only Team Brightstar and Pete were left in the room.

“This all feels really sci-fi-y.” Pete shivered.

“What’s that?” Flowerpott asked.

“Erm. A genre of books about science, except it’s fiction. Like, imagining the future.”

“You mean prophecy? I think that’s all bupkis.” Flowerpott stuck out his tongue.

“I dunno, fate does exist.” Aishablue jumped in.

“Only so much as it can be changed.” Flowerpott shot back.

“I prophesize that we shall soon enter a dungeon!” Raydsotter intoned.

The party began to bicker and Balin sighed.

“ENOUGH!” Starshine hiss/shouted. “They’re all still watching us from the scrying room, you idiots.”

There was a moment of awkward silence until a runed commstone in Pete’s hand flickered to life. Duke Barnes’s voice came through it, slightly choked. “We are good to go, Lord Roughtuff. Please activate your Ability. If nothing comes out, we will re-open the door and have you head out until Team Brightstar comes back.”

“Alrighty then. Here we go.” Pete walked up to the stone wall and placed his hands on it, then shouted, “[Dimensional Dungeon]!”

“Formation one! Around Pete!” Starshine snapped, and the team sprang into action, quickly pulling Pete back from the door and surrounding him.

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There was an anticlimactic moment. Just long enough for Pete to look around, confused, before with a silent *snap* an ornate wooden door appeared on the wall.

It was a dark oak affair, with shining bronze bands and thick hinges. The handle was made of brass, and the door was meant to swing outwards. It was just tall enough for someone of Kirk’s giant stature to walk through. The team waited for a solid minute, but nothing came rushing out.

Finally, Starshine thrust her hand forward. “Pete, time to go. Team, surround the door. Me and Balin in front.”

Pete gave them a salute and ran to the hidden exit, which pulled up then slammed close behind him.

As the team approached the surprisingly pretty door, Balin was able to make out a carving on the front.

It was a goat drinking a tankard of beer.

It looked like…

“Is that… Penelope?” Aishablue asked, leaning forward.

“I… think it is?” Balin gasped. He ran his fingers along the carving, marveling at the sheer excellent workdwarfship on display. As a carpenter, he knew wood, and this was good work.

Flowerpott walked around to the other side of the wall and proclaimed, “Nothing on the back, it’s just a stone wall!”

“Well, that’s enough gawping. Let’s get to what we’ve been paid to do.” Starshine pulled a commstone from her pocket and activated it. “Duke Barnes? We’re heading in.”

The Duke’s voice emerged from the tiny runestone a moment later. “Very good. You said the door had Penelope on it? As in, the Thirsty Goat’s Penelope?”

“Aye, it looks almost identical to our sign.” Balin muttered. “Copycat.”

Starshine pulled the door open slightly, revealing a warmly lit curtain of light. It looked like sunlight beaming through a glass of beer.

Flowerpott sent his glassflies in first. They passed through the curtain of light with nary a ripple, then vanished. A moment later he sighed. “No, I can’t use [Remote Control] across the dimensional barrier. I’ve lost contact.”

“Then I’m up. [Minor Blessing: Nothingness], [Shadowcloak], [Encourage: Dexterity]!” Raydotter muttered as she entered. A nail biting minute went by, and then the black bearded dwarfess stuck her head back out. “Formation five, everyone. You should see this. Aisha, lights on.”

Aishablue lifted her wand and traced some quick sigils, causing a globe of light to hover over her head.

Flowerpott gave Manny a quick command and the mantis slunk into the door right behind Raysdotter. Balin and the rest of the party squared their shoulders and followed shortly after.

Balin felt a slight tingle as he passed through the door, before he was plunged into darkness as the light spell over Aishablue sputtered and went out.

“Balin,” Starshine snapped, “Aisha! Stealth check!”

Balin activated his [Shining Armaments] and his and Starshine’s weapons began to glow brightly. A second later, Aishablue intoned “[Revealing Light]! [Inner Light]!” and a wave of golden light erupted out from her to wash over their surroundings.

What was revealed was… surprising.

Rows upon rows of picnic style tables, a scuffed wooden floor, and a five meter wide aisle directly in front of them that stretched into the darkness. To their right, a bar was just visible beneath a large open serving window that led to a space that looked like it might be a kitchen. The wall alongside their entry door held a yawning unlit fireplace, while the furthest wall was impossible to pick out of the gloom.

It was deathly silent and smelled faintly of wood oil.

“It’s tha Thirsty Goat…” Balin whispered. He couldn’t believe his eyes, but, it really was! He ran a finger over a table. “It’s clean…”

“Dunno about that… is the Goat so… big and tall?” Raysdotter asked, craning her neck upwards. The rest of the team followed suit, staring up, and up.

The space above them was an atrium with a second floor balcony overlooking the pub – a third and fourth floor balcony were visible in the light until darkness swallowed everything once more.

“How big is it?” Aishablue whispered.

“Dungeons can get big.” Starshine shrugged. “Though this one feels weird. Formation Six, let’s start with this floor then move up.

After a solid hour of searching the first floor they returned to the entryway to discuss.

Much as Balin had said, it looked almost identical to the Thirsty Goat in Kinshasa, complete with goat doors for Penelope, a big empty room for brewing equipment, Bran’s fully operational kitchen, and the truly gargantuan bar. It was absent of any decor or warmth, but it was otherwise a perfect match.

All multiplied by a factor of ten.

Starshine organized what they’d found so far. “A lot of furniture. No windows. A fully functioning bathroom?? Two sets of stairs, one up, one down, and two doors – one the way we came and another that leads out, perhaps? And nothing else. Does that sound right?”

Everyone nodded.

“I sent my glassflies up with a solstone. It’s about ten storeys, all the same halls of doors. What I could get into looked like plain bedrooms. There were… exactly two hundred and sixteen doors on the first floor, so at least two thousand rooms. And it looks like there’s enough seating for a few thousand on the ground floor. I put it at about three hundred meters by over five hundred.” Flowerpott mused.

“Bar’s a single slab of wood. Dunno what tree gets that big!” Balin marveled.

“Gods, it’s the biggest pub ever.” Raysdotter groaned. “I couldn’t imagine being a waiter here.”

Everyone turned to look at Balin, and he blanched. “I don’t do tha’ waitin’ fer tha’ Goat. That’s Kirk and Aqua and Bando’s jobs. Kirk might enjoy the challenge. Aqua would freak. Bando would… Bando.”

Starshine frowned. “But nothing else. Nobody spotted anything suspicious? Hid some treasure away?”

Everyone shook their heads.

“Should we go to the next floor?” Flowerpott asked, pointing up. “I wasn’t able to send my flies into every room.

Starshine huffed. “Not yet. This place feels empty. Spooky, but empty. I want to check that door. See what’s outside, then report back. We’ve been gone for over an hour, so they’ll all be worried.”

The party edged to the outside door, which looked pretty much identical to the entry portal, with the same dark bronze banding and solid oak frame. It lay directly across from the Portal door, with a solid ten meter pathway leading between the two doors.

“Formation Six, everyone,” Starshine whispered as she slowly opened the door. It swung outwards on silent hinges and the party gasped as warm sunlight poured inside.

The space before them stretched up and out to an endless blue yonder. The sky overhead was piercingly bright, with white clouds that moved slowly across the horizon. The sun beat down on them, warm, but not overbearing. From where they stood it seemed that they were at the top of a grassy hill, or possibly the bottom of a mountain – it was impossible to tell from this angle. Rows of trellises covered in vines stretched from a short distance away to the bottom of the hill, where they disappeared over a rise.

A rolling landscape spread to their front and right, all covered in tall emerald conifers. Far overhead, a strange shape was moving through the air; a series of dots that formed the shape of a wedge. A cold breeze rushed in, wrapping around them with chill fingers before spilling into the bar. It brought with it the fresh scent of wet pine and… salt?

Balin sniffed. “You all smell that?”

“Oh. my. Gawds.” Aishablue whispered. “It’s beautiful.”

“Reminds me a bit of the Endless Plain in Greentree.” Flowerpott remarked. “But hillier. And with more green.”

“What’s that!” Raysdotter asked, pointing to the left. Far off in the distance to the east, just past another hill, Balin could make out a deep expanse of dark stormy-blue that stretched out to the horizon in every direction. It was dotted here and there with white flecks.

“Is it a lake?” Balin asked.

“I think it’s an ocean! Smell the salt?” Aishablue said. “Oh, right, none of you lot have ever been above ground, have you?”

“I’ve heard of oceans.” Starshine whispered. “It’s beautiful.”

“Damn sight better than Greentree’s awful lake, that’s fer sure.” Balin grunted.

“Anyone see anything moving? Other than that weird shape overhead?” Starshine asked.

There was a chorus of no’s, which was interrupted by Aishablue exclaiming. “I found something on the back of the door! It looks like a letter??”

She hopped up to grab the folded slip of paper then passed it to Starshine.

Starshine glanced it over, then unfolded it and began reading. Her face slowly paled, and her hands began to shake. “By Barck’s Fancy Braided Beard…”

The party started and looked around nervously. “Everything alright Star?” Raysdotter asked warily.

“Yes. No. I don’t know,” Starshine muttered. “Let’s go back, I need to give this to Pete.”

She spun on her heel and hurried through the dark pub space without a single care, her party following after her.

“What is it!?” Aishablue asked with naked curiousity. “Shouldn’t we be in formation??”

“Staaaaar!!!” Flowerpott whined.

Starshine didn’t answer, marching straight out the entry portal. When they emerged, she pulled out her commstone. “It’s safe everyone, you can come out.”

Duke Barnse’s voice emerged a moment later. “What? What happened.”

“The other side is… well, you really need to see. And Pete, I have a letter for you.”

There was a moment of silence, then Pete’s voice came through. “A letter?”

Starshine nodded, an impressive feat in plate armour. “Yes, a letter. From Barck.”

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