Death, Devotion, Dissonance

Phel considered the possibility. Arza accepting his love. Really considered it. 

Honestly, he did the same thing every day for the past month. But this time, it felt different. It felt more real. Like it was something more than a fantasy. 

Perhaps it felt more realistic with Bella accepting him for what he was.

He was reading about the same things in other countries and histories alike, but hearing it from someone he knew personally felt different. Was like the heroes from his fantasies coming alive in front of his eyes. It felt surreal, even though it was so very real. Phel was never this excited before. 

But he was also afraid. So very afraid. Suddenly, his fantasies became real. He liked toying with the idea of confessing, but when the choice actually came to him, he found himself hesitating. Fantasies were called fantasies for a reason. They weren't real.

However, he felt it wasn't so bad to let things stay the way there are. He could be the silent admirer. Always in love and always imagining more, but never finding the courage to confess his feelings. Some might find that life unbearable, but to Phel, it seemed plausible. He lived like this for the past two months already and it wasn't so bad. He even witnessed the boy starting and ending two relationships and took it much better than he first expected.

There was no need to ruin things by being overreaching.

"Well?" Bella urged. 

"Why do you even care so much anyway? Don't you have Evin to worry about?" 

Phel's voice was filled with unexpected venom, wanting to be rid of Bella, so he would be left alone. He immediately regretted saying them, but a part of him hoped his words would shoo away Bella too.

"I don't, actually," but Bella only shrugged at Phel's overly defensive answer. "Just found you an eyesore, looking at Arza like you're about to gobble him up, but never daring to approach him properly… Reminded me too much of my old self."

"But my case is completely different than yours, isn't it? I'm sure you didn't have to worry about the thoughts and scorn of others."

Still, the venomous tone. 

"Of course, it's easier for me and Evin," Bella shrugged again. "But it's not only sunshine and rainbows. First of all, I'm of nobility and Evin's a commoner. Second, despite his talents, he's not really loved by everyone else, you know? As his girlfriend, I'd get the same treatment. Someone even told me I'm an opportunistic bitch only in it to get good at spellcasting."

"But you never cared for their thoughts in the first place. You probably don't care for mine either."

His stubborn side was getting the better of him, trying to shove away Bella in any way it could.

"Both true. And I'm starting to regret it."

But it was hard to stay angry at someone who kept agreeing with you on every word. 

"What?"

"Nothing," Bella sighed. "And don't try to change the subject."

"I'll think about it," Phel managed. "I really will."

"I know you really think about it," Bella said. "Probably all the time. I need you to act on it. Just say the words and see what happens. What's the worst that could happen? He'll either say yes or no and that'll be the end of it."

"But what if he'll laugh at me? Mock me for what I am?" Phel asked.

"Well, if he really does something like that," Bella shook her head. "Is he really worth your love?"

'He wouldn't do that…' Phel said to himself. That only made Bella's words sound more convincing. What's the worst that could happen?

"I'll tell you a little story," Bella continued. "You know I refused to go with Evin during the Helm's Worthy, right?"

"No?"

"Well, Evin found me on the 1st day, and offered to go through the test with me. At the time, I told him something about earning the Helm's title with my own power, and refused his offer. A bullshit excuse.

"In reality, I wanted desperately to go with him. All the possibilities sprung up in my mind. If I went together, I'd get a whole week alone with him. And we'd even get to go through the test, so things won't even be boring. The test was a fucked-up thing, I realized later on, but at the time, I fantasized that the whole island was our date spot, ready to be enjoyed by both me and him. I was certain I'd voice my feelings at some point during the whole thing. I won't be able to resist the urge.

"But my hesitation got the better of me. I've been contemplating confessing for a while before that point, but even when the perfect chance appeared on my palms, I decided against it. Look what that lead to. Evin's lost his foot, and from what he told me later on, it wouldn't have been so weird if he'd lost his life.

"And as a twist of fate, we ended up a couple anyway. If only I had the guts to follow him back then, he'd still have his legs, and I'd have been plenty happy too. Sometimes I even wish we didn't end up together. In that case, he wouldn't have lost his leg for nothing."

Finished with her story, Bella frowned. She seemed confused why she talked about all these things so randomly. But Phel wasn't so confused. Many of his friends did the same. Out of seemingly nowhere, they'd start talking about some dark aspect of their lives.

"I'm sorry," the girl muttered. "Randomly talking about all these things."

"It's okay," Phel replied. 

He knew it was best to say little in these moments. And besides, Phel was preoccupied with what he realized from Bella's story. 

Did he not regret doing nothing enough? He wallowed in misery as Decatur tried to have Evin killed and swore he'd never do the same again. 

'That I wouldn't hesitate if I know I need to do something.'

'That I wasn't going to go through the hell that was indecisiveness.' 

'Wasn't this the reason I fell in love with Arza in the first place?'

Determination filled his heart and he looked at Bella. 

"I'll confess."

*****

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