Novelist Running Through Time

TL: KSD

It feels like I’m dreaming.

I can barely remember how the last few hours went by.

Did I cry on stage during the award ceremony? Did I give my acceptance speech in English or in Korean?

Blinded by tears and deafened by the sound of applause, I couldn’t see or hear anything.

Immediately after the ceremony, it was just an endless string of congratulations.

“Congratulations, I believed in you, you’ll do even better in the future” and then some foreign language blabbering, followed by clapping… clap, clap, clap…

Holding the award plaque that I hadn’t even looked at closely, I followed the director here and there, bowing and greeting people.

Wait, no, was it Director So Tae-woong I was following, or CEO Baek Seung-won?

I don’t know.

My mind is so full of things that I can’t even remember those small details.

I’m incredibly happy, it feels like the grief is melting away, and yet, at the same time, there’s this sudden sense of overwhelm…

It’s a feeling I can’t quite put into words.

If I had studied literature more deeply, would I have been able to express this feeling?

“Ah, I don’t know…”

Kim Byul was able to return to the hotel after 3 AM local time.

She should have been utterly exhausted, but adrenaline must have been coursing through her because her heart was pounding, and her hands and feet were trembling.

It felt like she could run on a treadmill for about two hours. No, it seemed like she would need to run that long to finally feel tired enough to sleep.

But Kim Byul’s rational mind knew that an even tighter schedule awaited her starting tomorrow. So she desperately tried to empty her thoughts.

Burying her face in the pillow and rubbing it wildly was part of that effort.

“I don’t know, I don’t know…”

Without even realizing that this was a bit childish for a high school freshman, Kim Byul grinned like a little girl and sprawled out on the bed.

Her gaze naturally drifted to the award plaque, neatly placed on one side of the hotel room. The golden palm leaf, encased in crystal and carefully displayed inside the black case with its lid open…

Just looking at it made the corners of her mouth lift. That palm leaf had an irresistible charm.

But wait, wasn’t there some translation debate about it being a palm tree, not a date tree? Wouldn’t that make it the “Golden Date Tree Award” instead of the “Golden Palm Award”?

Somehow, the “Date Tree Award” feels a lot less grand than the “Palm Award”. Date trees remind a bit of… after-school self-study sessions.

“Hehe…”

Kim Byul chuckled at her own silly thoughts and slowly surrendered herself to the drowsiness creeping over her.

If only the phone hadn’t rung just then, she might have fallen asleep.

“…!”

The only reason Kim Byul dragged her exhausted body out of bed was the sound of the phone ringing.

She had two phones- one for work and one for personal use.

And the ringtones for the two phones were different.

The phone ringing was her personal one.

Since it was a phone that only people she absolutely had to pick up for had the number to, Kim Byul, despite being utterly drained, got out of bed and grabbed her smartphone.

And then she saw the two characters displayed on the screen.

-Dad.

The blood that had been boiling in her veins just moments ago… suddenly felt as cold as ice.

EP 9 – Sound

People pretend to dislike “popularity”. Celebrities, politicians, the most popular kid in class- all of them laugh awkwardly and scratch the back of their heads.

“I’m so grateful for the overwhelming love from the viewers…”

“Thanks to the excessive support from the public…”

“Oh, it’s no big deal…”

It’s all pretense.

This false humility is the definitive proof that humans crave popularity.

That very humility is an act of trying to maintain the popularity they already have.

It’s perfectly natural.

Humans crave power.

And popularity is power.

It’s the ability to make others move according to your will.

And not through coercive commands, but by manipulating voluntary admiration.

The power to make countless strangers fall in love with you, to make them defend you, to make them spend money on you, and to move them with the flick of a finger- how could that not be power?

Soft power.

Kim Byul once stood at the pinnacle of that overwhelming power.

When she was only 10 years old.

“Mom, you’re an idiot! An idiot who only cares about Dad!”

The entire world was captivated by this ridiculously childish line. The preschool-aged child actor in the drama became a star just like that.

The most famous comedians mimicked this line in their skits, and even the most influential PDs hurriedly sought out Kim Byul.

Celebrities were desperate to appear on screen with her, and the public, despite not sharing a single drop of blood with Kim Byul, called her the “Nation’s Little Sister”, as if they were ready to give her everything.

The whole world was Kim Byul’s playground.

It was a comfortable and sweet world that approached Kim Byul so easily, to the point where it seemed impossible to believe that anyone could dislike her.

However, Kim Byul’s mother knew that this world was cruel and ruthless.

And so, she hardened.

Whether it was because she was drunk on the power she wielded by treating her daughter’s authority as her own, or because she wanted to protect her daughter from this merciless world, is unclear.

Perhaps it was to compensate for her own life, which had ended as a nobody actress, or maybe it was to receive a fair reward for her efforts in pushing an innocent child actor to success.

That’s right.

We don’t know.

Even now, Kim Byul doesn’t fully understand what exactly happened during that time.

The only thing that is clear is that her mother failed as a mother.

She treated Kim Byul not as her daughter, but as a junior actor, and whenever Kim Byul cried from the exhaustion of the harsh schedule, her mother controlled her with even more severe discipline.

In the process of focusing on Kim Byul, she neglected Kim Byul’s younger sibling, leaving the child as if they didn’t exist. In the end, their father took the younger sibling and left.

That’s how it happened.

That’s how it ended. It was a family situation that had started when Kim Byul was too young to do anything, and it ended without her being able to intervene at all.

But now, that past came back to speak.

The father who had tried to raise her as an ordinary daughter, not force her down the thorny path of an actor, said,

-Maybe… your mother was right after all.

Kim Byul had become a star once again.

A figure standing above others.

Someone untouchable, distant, glittering from a high place, like a star.

So, does this mean it was the “right path”?

Was her mother really right? To lead her daughter to success, even through abuse?

There are too many things Kim Byul endured from her mother to list them all. Each one is carved deep in her heart as a dark scar.

But compared to those who were born into poor households and grew up facing domestic violence, those scars are nothing.

So then, does this mean her mother, who only inflicted this “little” amount of pain while raising her child to the highest place in the entertainment industry, was an efficient mother?

What makes a good parent?

What is the right path?

What is success?

She doesn’t know.

Winning Best Actress at Cannes, holding such a thing doesn’t change who she is.

No matter how differently the world treats her, she is the same self as yesterday.

Just a foolish, emotional, and a slightly pretentious minor.

And life was, as ever, far too difficult.

When I eventually become an adult, will I be able to handle life more easily?

Even this, she doesn’t know.

“Ah.”

At that moment, Kim Byul thought of the person who seemed the smartest among all the people she knew.

* * *

“Bringing up parents to someone without parents… that’s a bit awkward.”

“No, no, no! That’s not what I meant!”

Kim Byul regretted, within five seconds of starting the conversation, that the ‘smartest person’ she had thought of last night was this punk in front of her.

Yet, with just one sentence, he had completely shaken her, proving once again that Moon In was truly a master of words.

However, Kim Byul had now grown enough not to get dragged down by Moon In’s casual provocations. After all, they had grown closer.

“Hey! You! Stop making those self-deprecating jokes! Someone who’s so full of themselves even without parents…! You don’t actually feel bad about being from an orphanage, do you?”

“Memo… Actress Kim Byul… is the New Light Spring Orphanage some sort of badge of honor…?”

“When did I ever say thaaaat—!”

Today, once again, Kim Byul found herself tangled in Moon In’s pace, struggling against him.

He’s an insufferable little brat who’s impossible to beat.

But now, Kim Byul has gained enough composure to add one last word.

“Hey, don’t just write me down as an actress in your notes, change it to Cannes Best Actress winner.”

“Memo… Kim Byul… I’m not like other actresses… Cannes Best Actress winner…”

“This is driving me crazy.”

Finally, Kim Byul managed to shut Moon In’s mouth of hell after ordering something resembling a strawberry yogurt smoothie in clumsy English from the hotel café staff.

Even though Moon In, the strawberry yogurt smoothie connoisseur, muttered grumpily, he still wiped the corners of his mouth with a handkerchief in satisfaction.

“This isn’t a strawberry yogurt smoothie; it’s closer to strawberry milk sherbet… but since it tastes good, I’ll let it slide.”

“If you keep eating such sweet stuff, it’s not good for your health, you know?”

“Kim sunbae, do you find yogurt sweet? For me it’s bitter. Because life is bitter…”

“What are you even saying…?”

Despite her curt response, Kim Byul’s eyes couldn’t leave the strawberry milk sherbet.

She knew a dessert like that meant 45 minutes on the treadmill, but the kid sitting across from her was eating it so deliciously that she couldn’t help it.

Kim Byul called the waiter again and, with stuttering English, ordered her own dessert.

Moon In’s eyes widened in surprise.

“What’s this, you’re actually eating dessert?”

“If you’ve won Best Actress at Cannes, you’re allowed to eat it.”

“I guess you’ll have to win another award next time if you want to eat it again.”

“That won’t take too long.”

Moon In chuckled at Kim Byul’s feigned bravado.

It was a smile like one you give when watching a child’s cute antics.

Looking back, Moon In had always treated her like a child.

It was hard to understand, but it felt so natural at times that she occasionally leaned into it.

Like he was a reliable adult…

“There’s a boy who won the Best Actor award at Cannes when he was 14 years old. He’s Japanese, but I don’t quite remember his name…”

Yagira Yuya, who won Best Actor for Nobody Knows, directed by Hirokazu Koreeda. Kim Byul already knew that.

But she didn’t say anything. Once again, it seemed Moon In was about to guide her, like a wizard from a fairy tale.

“As soon as he won, he shot to stardom. They called him a once-in-a-lifetime genius, and Japan was in an uproar.”

“…”

“But apparently, life didn’t go so smoothly for him.”

Moon In took another spoonful of his strawberry sherbet and continued speaking.

“It was impossible for him to meet the sky-high expectations that surrounded him, and he was always under scrutiny, as if people were testing whether he deserved the award. Eventually, over a decade later, things started to go well for him, but during those ten years, he was hospitalized from taking antidepressants. Just imagine how heavy the burden of that award must have been.”

As he concluded, Kim Byul’s eyes widened.

“I think it’s highly likely that Kim sunbae’s life will turn out similarly.”

“Whaaaat-!”

Moon In nodded as if this was the most obvious future.

Kim Byul was furious. Is this jerk here to give advice or to curse me?

“Hey! What do you know? Have you seen the future? Did you see the future?!”

Kim Byul looked ready to grab him by the collar, but Moon In just shrugged nonchalantly.

“I didn’t go and check out Kim sunbae’s future, but I know your personality quite well.”

And then came Moon In’s ominous prophecy.

“First of all, your mother will pressure you like crazy, and people around you will cross their arms, stick out their lips, and go, ‘Hmph, is that all she’s got?’ as if they’re judges or something. Since your mind isn’t fully mature yet, you’ll always try to meet people’s expectations, and little by little, you’ll wear yourself down. Sure, you’ve got plenty of grit, so you’ll eventually pull through, but honestly, if you gave up early, life would be easier. Instead, you’ll grit your teeth and hold on, and end up a wreck.”

“…!”

Kim Byul felt that this prophecy was disturbingly plausible.

This brat wrapped in a blanket understood her far better than expected.

Kim Byul, almost unknowingly, leaned forward, as if she were a housewife entranced by a shaman’s spell.

And like a shaman writing out a talisman, Moon In boldly delivered his conclusion.

“So! Since you won’t be able to bear the weight of that award anyway, let’s just quit ahead of time!”

“What?”

“Just erase the burden of being a Cannes Best Actress from your life. I mean, even if you go through all the struggles and meet everyone’s expectations, are those people going to give you another award? You’ve already got one.”

“…”

“Popularity comes and goes. Tomorrow, some nasty reporter could spread a false rumor about you being a drug addict, and half of the people praising you now would turn into haters. The expectations people place on you are that light.”

“Ah…”

“So from now on, just take your time and think about it. What is life? What should I be doing? What is my art? How can I improve my acting? What should I do about my relationship with my mom and dad? What about my agency after the contract ends?”

Moon In continued.

“In the end, you have to find the answers yourself, and that’s not an easy thing to do. So start by letting go of the things that you don’t need to worry about right now. In my opinion, the first thing to let go of is that award.”

Cannes, the southern port city of France, the sparkling sea, the film festival. The roar of supercar engines, the golden palm leaves. The sound of camera shutters. The cheers…

Kim Byul’s mind, once filled with all sorts of glittering and noisy things, suddenly felt clear, like a bright sky.

It felt like waking up from a dream.

Of course, nothing had been resolved. From tomorrow, countless events and crises would descend upon her.

But the moment she let go of the weight of that award in her heart, it felt like she had gained the strength to overcome those things.

The very first thing Kim Byul did after waking up from that dream was, as expected, to say thank you.

“Thank you.”

“Huh?”

“No, I mean it. Just… thanks.”

Moon In looked at her with a doubtful expression but soon smiled softly.

And so, the two old souls looked at each other and, for the first time in a long while, smiled as they should at their age.

Then—click.

A distant camera shutter sound could be heard.

The next day, a dating scandal between Kim Byul and Moon In broke out.

* * *

「It feels like waking up from a dream.

The classroom, once filled with monsters devouring each other, had somehow transformed.

The two friends who were always together became conjoined twins. Their voices always came from the same place.

The boys sitting in the front loved soccer. It seemed like that was the only thing in their heads. So I turned their heads into soccer balls, and they became the Three Soccer Balls.

The kid who always ate lunch twice turned into a pig, and the one who wore headphones all day had his ears turned into headphones.

One by one, each of them.

They stopped being monsters and turned into something else.

Then at some point, when I looked around, everyone looked as bizarre as me.

The flesh-eating monsters, the stench of rotting corpses, and the growling sounds were all gone.

Now there were witches, astronauts, soccer balls, pigs, and colored pencils…

Monsters making their own different sounds were scattered everywhere.

In my mind’s eye view, in the midst of all those bizarre appearances, being a blind girl didn’t seem that strange.

I quietly observed myself, blending in with the monsters around me.

Surprisingly, it didn’t feel all that bad.」

*****

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