To Live Again, For the First Time!

"If you don't know, then just stay further away from me." 

One could tell that Noah was really pushing himself to say those words at that moment. 

Noah was struggling.

He wanted to uphold his morals which was only getting increasingly hard the longer he stayed here, but his feet were rooted to the ground.

Now, he could only hope that Emilin would leave, storm off even, first.

He needed her to throw him away so that he could finally leave, while also attempting to leave this useless feeling behind.

Hoping it had been a mirage all along so that he wouldn't truly have to admit to having become the shallow person that he was now questioning himself to be.

On the other hand, this was actually rather favorable for Emilin, who was still trying to process.

She was crushed.

If this were a manhwa, there would be a loading bar moving at a snail's pace on her face, or right above it while another 4 tons of rocks with the words *stay further away from me* written down on them as blood dripped down one side of her mouth.

That was the kind of scene it would be, or at least that would be true for a second there.

Because in the very next, things would get serious again. After all, this was a serious matter.

"Why?"

This time it was Emilin's turn to ask why.

Her throat was dry and her voice cracked a little, still, it was noticeable that she wasn't feeling well, her whole mood was off.

There was another dreadful silence as Noah didn't know what they were talking about anymore and Emilin was still in a midst of half a mental breakdown.

For the past two weeks, Emilin had done so much to build up just this much courage, yet she was crushed one time after another.

Her string was just that close to snapping and all the friction wasn't helping.

And this wasn't entirely about Noah, but rather Noah and everyone else before him.  All those failed attempts were getting to her and she had no one she could talk to about it, so it was accumulated stress.

Her nerves were at their limits as Emilin felt like her mind could burst at any moment.

She had this impulse, wanting to just cover her head, her ears, her eyes, and every other signal receptor so that her nerves wouldn't get overloaded, yet at the same time, not wanting to look conspicuous

It just so happened that Noah was the one in front of her when it all snapped.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Before this very moment, Emilin had no way to vent, not in front of others nor her family, and in the end, that emotional burden was what brought her to this instance. 

And even if she had thought of venting before, it wasn't anything she would resort to, since oftentimes, venting would affect the other person's mood, something that Emilin couldn't possibly do.

Emilin could feel her eyes searing hot, ready to produce tears at a moment's notice, but Emilin held it in with a sniff.

"Wh-why does this always happen to me? What did I do wrong? Di-did I ask to be like this? No."

Emilin's voice trembled as she sniffed all her tears back where they came from.

Emilin had these thoughts countless times, more than she could care to remember, yet this was, in fact, the first time she had voiced them out like this, with someone else in front of her.

Of course, she didn't want to be like this, and Emilin had always believed that she would be able to make friends at some point in time, after all, humans weren't made to live alone.

No.

They simply couldn't survive in solitude, it wasn't that they weren't made for it, it was that they simply couldn't live without social interactions.

After all, those were often times what made people human.

Anyone would break down when they felt like they were alone in this world, and no one was an exception.

If someone could live alone in this world, chances are they were already broken down. Dismantled by society or by genetics.

And in Emilin's heart, she felt all kinds of unfairness about this.

She had already lived one life in solitude, so why couldn't it be different this time?

Why is it so hard?

Frustration accumulated throughout her 15 years of this life, 12 of which she had spent trying to talk to other people and failing miserably, was now hitting her hard.

There was a point in time when Emilin had thought, no, had convinced herself that she would be fine with just her family. The ones who loved her, who would stay with her no matter what.

When she first found her heart clench at every instance she tried to talk to others, she had told herself that it would be okay, after all, she had already obtained more warmth than all of her past life in those few years.

Yet she was only human.

A greedy, greedy human.

She had thought that she would be okay with what she had, yet she couldn't help but reach for something more.

A friendship that was created by her and someone else, and not just something handed to her due to blood relations.

Emilin was always seeking more, even if she pretended to be okay in front of others, including her family, including Theodore, including herself.

Emilin would oftentimes bush things off as a joke, insinuating discreetly to her brothers that her not being able to hold a conversation with others wasn't that big of a deal to her, or to anyone in general.

As if anyone would be okay not being able to communicate with people of their age.

It wasn't normal, or healthy, but because she didn't want her family to worry, she had secretly convinced them that it was, before they even asked.

Not hypnosis, just psychological hints.

But even that much was not okay.

As time passed, Emilin started to doubt.

She started to doubt her worth. She wasn't confident in herself.

When she was alone, Emilin often questioned whether she was being a bother to the people around her, whether she was wanted.

Emilin loved the warmth from her parents and brothers, but it was also that very warmth that made her question herself.

Whether she deserved such an amazing feeling. 

Whether she was simply a burden to her family, who always cared for her.

Yet she was only human.

A selfish, selfish human.

Even if she didn't deserve it, she would take it all for herself.

This had nothing to do with her other skills, the ones that she hadn't worked for, the ones that she had obtained simply from having suffered in her past life.

This had to do with whether her family would still care for her in the same way if they knew everything.

Everything that Emilin would never tell them because she was only human.

A cowardly human.

She was weak.

And she was especially weak because she didn't show it.

The strong people have always been those who were able to be candid with the emotions that they felt, to acknowledge them, to be true to them, and then to express them. Not the ones who suppressed them, hoping they would disappear, cowering in fear of what they could produce.

Of what they could become.

Emilin wasn't strong.

People who had friends could vent, vent to their friends about their troubles, but Emilin had no such privilege.

The leading cause of all her suppressed emotions.

People often take it for granted that they have people they can talk to, people who support them, people who are willing to listen.

Many people took their friends for granted.

That was one thing that Emilin would never, ever, not in this lifetime, not in her last, and not in her next, ever do.

And now here she was, about to shed tears of sorrow because she was too weak to do anything else about it. 

And yet somehow, these tears were also the bravest things she had ever shed.

These were the tears used to express her emotions. The ones that she had held in for years, a physical expression of her weakness and her suffering.

These were tears of frustration, sadness, loneliness, depression, and finally, they were tears of joy. 

Because they were tears of liberation. 

Liberation of the emotions that she had sealed for years, the very ones that she had desperately suppressed while pretending to be the strongest, most unfazed person on earth.

Suppressed while deluding herself to believe that they weren't there.

They were very much present, eating at her, bite after bite.

And now, she was free of them all.

These tears symbolized her weakness, displaying it for anyone who wanted to see.

But so what?

She was only human.

A simple human, like anyone, and everyone else.

***

Today, let us all be more accepting of others so that tomorrow, we can all be more accepting of ourselves.

- Youlier

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